Letting Go: The Struggle to be Free

The title sounds contradictory, but recently I have come to realize that the two go hand in hand. Ironically, letting go involves a struggle to extricate ourselves from our self-concept, in order to become the bigger self of which we dream.

A few weeks ago I decided that I was going to expand my platform and begin to branch out into other media. I felt it might be helpful to speak about some tools of spiritual practice and provide a meditation as support. Within a few days I was invited to be a guest on Alanna Kaivalya’s podcast “Modern Mystics.” I took it as a sign to proceed.

What I had forgotten is that I would have to grow myself. The prospect of more visibility triggered my fear. For three days I was frozen in fear, sucked up in a whirlwind of self-doubt and my life-restricting mantra – “I’m not good enough.” Swirling around my head were dreadful questions, “What if I screw up? What if I make a fool of myself? What if everyone hates it and I get hate mail?”

Now that’s ridiculous, right? But once the ego kicks in with its unlimited supply of fear and whispered horrors, logic fails. I found myself unable to think clearly. Alanna wanted me to speak about how astrology informs us of what’s going on in the world. I’ve written about that for a year and a half. I’ve studied astrology for over 50 years, but I couldn’t remember a thing. All of a sudden, astrology was a huge mystery and so I panicked. I crammed as if for a final. I started writing myself notes, making outlines, creating cues in case I had a total brain freeze.

I did ritual, I prayed, I invoked support and then I pretended to be calm. We did the podcast and I did the best I could to ignore the ego chatter. When it was over, the voice got louder, telling me what a failure it had been. I felt deep shame, I felt mortification, I felt dread. I vowed I’d never say another thing in public.

I was in a full-blown ego attack and trapped in a nightmare of insufficiency. I begged for help. This is when reality began to flash answers. During the podcast, (which I hope you will listen to – it turned out pretty well), we spoke about metamorphosis. I was talking about the transition from caterpillar into butterfly and how there is a period of time in which the cocoon holds nothing but green goo. Alanna finished the metaphor for me, relating how the butterfly struggles to emerge and the struggle forces fluid and energy into its wings so it can fly.

Flash #2. The ego attack continued. I went to my chiropractor to work out the kinks. She told me of seeing campaign signs along the road that read: “Fuck Your Feelings.” I laughed. I asked if they were Republican or Democrat. On the one hand, feelings are such important sources of information. They stimulate our intuition, draw in the feminine qualities of being, without which there is no wisdom. On the other, they can turn into raging, nagging, self-destructive instruments of torture.

In my Virgo fashion I decided to buckle down and process my lack of self-worth. I even contemplated taking a twelve-week course in building self-esteem. Luckily I meditated first and was shown how completely I had been subsumed by my ego. I can’t blame the ego for its reaction. It was trying to protect me and for that I am grateful. I’m even grateful for the three-day nightmare because I finally reconnected with my heart. The struggle filled my wings giving me the strength to escape the cocoon of ego.

In the process I came to realize that we all feel this way. We all are being asked to grow, to shed the cocoon within which we have been transforming. We are getting ready to emerge into a much bigger reality but first we have to put in some effort to free ourselves from those confining ego cocoons filled with fear and doubt. The effort will empower us.

Do we believe the cosmos is benevolent? If so, we need to trust it. If not, we need to cultivate it. We are growing and we can’t stop it. Resistance is futile. The healthy response is to surrender and allow ourselves to evolve and trust that the cosmos, or the Divine Plan, or whatever we choose to call it, knows what it’s doing.

We can rely upon the heavens to provide direction and right now there are auspicious signs. Venus on August 13^th entered her Surrender and Discovery phase. It lasts until January 31, 2021, about 5-1/2 months of the 19-month Venus cycle. It is a time when we draw to us all the things which we need to release – all the karma of the past that is keeping us bound, all the lies that the ego tells us day after day, all our fear of not being up to the task, all our cynicism about the outcome. As we let go of the small things we strengthen our faith. As we lighten the load, we feel a spark of hope. As we refuse the temptation to cling to our smaller selves, we will discover who we really are and what lies within that can never be lost. I am speaking of the love in our hearts that sustains us from an infinite well. As we seek refuge in the power of love, we will overcome our fear and emerge as the spiritual adults we came here to be, the ones with the fortitude and wisdom to co-create a new world.

Right on time, we have a New Moon in Leo, sign of the Lionhearted, the courageous, the leader. Sun and Moon conjoin on Tuesday evening, the 18^th of August. I wrote last year about expressing yourself and having fun. In general Leo time is play time. This New Leo Moon, however, is rather serious. First of all it is opposite the USA natal Moon, so we are all going to be sensitized to the energies, and Saturn is playing a big role this month. The New Moon is at 26 degrees of Leo. The North Node of the Moon is at 27 degrees of Gemini, thus the Sun is sextile the North Node and they both are quincunx, or inconjunct, Saturn. As you recall, this forms a Yod, or Finger of God. The Cosmos is pointing at Saturn and telling us to do our Saturn work. Now. Our future, signified by the North Node, depends upon it. Saturn is associated with the ego and its fears. We are being asked to shed our ego-confined skin and step into our authority. Leo is the sign of leadership and courage. This is what the world needs now.

So my ego attack was right on schedule. You, too, may go through your own version, but keep your eyes on the prize – freedom. Whatever your issue, wrestle with it until you’re finally done. You will gain the strength to emerge as a more glorious version of yourself. Letting go is only a struggle until you actually do it.

Mercury has just passed its superior conjunction, which means it is half-way through its cycle. Like the lunar cycle, it’s full-Mercury time. What have you learned this summer? What thoughts keep you frozen in place? What new thoughts tickle your hope and imagination? Open to not knowing – it’s the only way to learn. When you’re chock full of certainty, there’s no openness in your mind. Information is energy – let it help you grow.

I recently learned about a new luminary: White Moon Selena. This is the invisible moon that lights our way. In the USA Chart, the transiting South Node of our Moon is conjunct natal Selena in the first house at 27 degrees of Sagittarius – right on the Galactic Center! This is such a positive sign. Our path is clear – clean up our karma. Information is readily available to all of us now. The Heavens are supporting our leap to freedom.

On the darker side, Mars is conjunct Eris. We are going to see far too much discord in the coming months. Mars will square Saturn on the 24^th and then turn retrograde in its own sign of Aries on September 9^th. Mars is heating up our Saturn issues. These are challenging times but we are ready to face them. We’re rounding the bend and heading into the home stretch now. Vigilance is imperative. When discord arises, look for the source within. It’s responsibility time. Everything – and I mean everything – that you see out in the world is a reflection of personal and collective karma. Rather than react with fear, be an objective observer. Watch the world for information. What is it showing you about yourself? Then activate your higher Saturn and take full responsibility for your part of it.

Saturn has been preparing us for this moment. All the adversity of this year has served to empower us. We have been building resilience, patience, perseverance and maturity. We are ready. So when you get triggered, look at it as opportunity to gain another degree of freedom and power.

New Moons are seeding times. Take some time to set intentions. Perhaps intend to release a dysfunctional habit or reactive pattern. And intend to struggle just enough toward surrender.