Ever since 2020 I have wondered how I would awaken. I knew consciousness was poised for a quantum leap, but I was curious about how it would show up for me. Would it be a ‘Road to Damascus’ event? A sudden epiphany? Would it creep up slowly with mini awakenings? I imagined a blissful moment when my heart would explode in love, but never in a million years would I have guessed what fate would deliver – a Uranian event that almost cost me my life.
Back in February of 2020, my husband and I joined dear friends for a cross-country ski week Alta, Wyoming. We rented a large house together, divvied up the cooking schedule and settled into catching up with our friends. Unfortunately, one of them was ill and I remember this moment clearly. He greeted me with a kiss on the lips – a kiss that would have grave consequences.
We had never heard of Covid at the time. It was in its infancy, but Jackson Hole had become a Mecca for Asian skiers and they brought their virus with them. Although it wasn’t diagnosed until months later, Michel and I came down with Covid. We thought it was just a bad case of flu, and when we went to an Emergency Care center, it was packed with coughing victims, clad in face masks, in obvious distress.
It took us three months to recover from that virus but when we learned about the new epidemic, it made sense. We were among the first cases in the states. A year later the vaccine hit the market. Being a Senior, I was among the first to received it. I asked if I could be tested for antibodies, but was told that unless I had current symptoms, they could not test me. So being a conscientious citizen, I got the vaccine to protect my family and neighbors. Within a week my heart started doing flip flops and I learned I had A-Fib.
That began a stint of pharmaceuticals and procedures that concluded with an unsuccessful ablation that I hope to never repeat. In October I dutifully took the booster shot, unaware that A-Fib had been caused by the vaccine months earlier. Within a week, my gut biome was destroyed and for two years I suffered malnutrition. I lost almost 29 pounds and spent six years searching for a cure, hoping to rebuild my immune system.
One would think I would have awakened then, but no, I went on oblivious to what was growing in my body as a result. My stomach was rigid. I had trouble digesting food and finally discovered the FODMAP diet and began to heal. By spring of this year I had reached the point when I could introduce most foods and felt I had finally conquered my illness.
The left side of my body was still rigid, however. I mentioned it to my doctor who dismissed it as tension. For three years or more I complained about the tightness around my stomach and the back pain that was getting worse. I chalked that up to the pelvic breaks I had, first as a 12-year-old and again in my late 50’s. When I look back, I cannot believe how unconscious I was. I was tired all the time, which I blamed on old age. Finally in late June I demanded my doctor order some imaging. We started with ultrasound, which led to an MRI on July 5th. For over a month I got no results, but finally I was told I had a tumor and should see a urologist.
All this time my blood work showed no problems. No elevated white cell count. No kidney distress. So I assumed, blindly, that the tumor was benign. Then I met Dr. Kollmorgan in Springfield, Oregon who showed me the images and pronounced the word malignant.
Here it was, my moment of truth. I watched myself not react. I felt no fear. I wasn’t devastated. I was just taking in the words. My mind didn’t race. I was just there, hearing the truth. Obviously I had a lot of decisions to make, but there was no thought. I was preoccupied for a moment by my own lack of reaction, but when I glanced at my husband’s stricken face, and back at the compassion in the doctor’s eyes, my heart exploded with love. So yes, this was my awakening and I greeted it with love.
The decision was made. I spent about half a second considering death but my body knew I couldn’t leave now, not like this. Dr. Kollmorgan said I needed immediate surgery but advised me to go to a major center equipped with a team, because my surgery would be complicated and required an expert. Fortunately I had already set that in motion, speaking with my sister in LA and tapping her friend’s knowledge of healthcare professionals.
We stood. Michel shook the doctor’s hand. Without a thought I slipped into the doctor’s arms. He embraced me and stroked my head like a loving father. “I’m so sorry to be the one to give you this news,” he said.
And I replied, “I’m glad it was you. Thank you for this gift of truth.”
So there it was, my awakening – to my frailty, to the possibility of death, to the probability of surgery and a long recovery. I discovered I had a whole plan ready-made. I knew exactly what to do, what I would and wouldn’t do, and I was at peace. For two months I lived in euphoria, my heart throbbing with love and compassion. In a curious way, it was blissful.
At the end of August we drove down to LA. Turns out USC has one of the world’s greatest surgeons, Dr. Daneshmand, who happened to be not only skilled, but gorgeous, kind, and compassionate. He described my surgery in such tender terms. He wouldn’t cut through any muscle, he would gently move my organs out of the way, then slip the tumor, along with my left kidney and its adrenal gland, out of my body.
The surgery was performed on September 9th, six days before my 86th birthday. I was only in the hospital for two days and then moved to my sister’s condominium in downtown Los Angeles. The pathology report was stellar. All the cancer was contained within the tumor, with some invasion into the kidney, but all the margins were clean, the nodes were clean, my body was free of cancer. Dr. Daneshmand described the tumor as about the size of a small watermelon.
You’d think if you had a small watermelon in your body, you’d know it, right? Self-delusion is a powerful thing. So while I was shocked at my lack of awareness, I was also surprised at my reaction. Surprised that I already had a plan in place. I never doubted for a moment that the surgery wouldn’t produce the results it had, and I was filled with gratitude for all the synchronicities along the way. My sister had a friend who knew about this surgeon. She had a condo empty and waiting for our arrival, the previous tenants having completed their contract early. I had a friend in New Zealand who recommended I set up a prayer group and I tapped my oldest and dearest friends who supported me all along the way.
We arrived home on October 16th and slept through the weekend. My recovery was astonishing in the beginning, but now begins the real challenge, reclaiming my health and energy. I am emaciated, down to 103 pounds when I got home. I have gained two pounds but it will be a challenge because I have changed my diet, eliminating all animal products, including dairy and eggs, along with all processed foods. I am taking a course in cancer prevention, learning about what foods kill off cancer stem cells, what promotes health and what to avoid.
There was a moment when I considered switching this newsletter to a wellness theme. Cancer has become an epidemic. I heard a statistic last week that claimed 1 out every 2 people will contract cancer before the end of this decade! 50% of our population. We know that we have poisoned our air, water and soil with man-made chemicals and toxic waste. Children are born with cancer! Teenagers are contracting colon cancer! This is the result of a paradigm focused on wealth and power at any cost. The Earth sustains us, and as its resources suffer the burden of our toxic waste, our children die. Remind you of former plagues?
I know why I got cancer. My immune system was destroyed by a man-made vaccine. I made a bad decision in 2021 that set my course to cancer. Now I have to change my whole life style – diet, movement, and self-love. As a Virgo, I have been hard on myself. Now I need to learn to nurture myself.
I don’t know if this newsletter has a future. I am so focused on the present moment. My body keeps me grounded in reality – I am frail, I am vulnerable. Here’s what’s interesting to me. The kidneys are about fear. I thought I had conquered fear, but I lived in a childhood environment dominated by fear. My body remembered, and the fears of the child never went away. No matter how I challenged myself to act fearless, that little girl walked a treacherous path through the terror of parental rage. It all caught up with me this summer.
Please feel free to contact me if you have cancer concerns of your own. I am choosing not to go the traditional route. Cancer is big business raking in billions of dollars every year. We have received only half truths about chemotherapy. The truth is it does more damage that it cures. The statistics are staggering.
I guess I will end on an astrological note, even if it is a personal one. The recent Taurus Full Moon formed a perfect Grand Cross with my natal Pluto in Leo, which is being opposed by transiting Pluto in Aquarius right now. We all know there’s no negotiating with Pluto. It carries the weight of Fate. The Moon was conjunct transiting Chiron near the end of Aries in my 7th House. The Sun was conjunct retrograde Venus, my chart ruler, and Haumea, the dwarf planet of regeneration and rebirth. In addition Uranus and Sedna were sextile Neptune and trine transiting Pluto, while Chiron was in a closing square with my natal Chiron at 28 Cancer. My growth Tarot symbol for this year is The Chariot, change for the better and a deepening spirituality. Seems Fate is not done with me yet.
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